By Tshifhiwa “Chipi” Netshilata
Here is the situation: Is the first time you and the beautiful girl that you have been dating for a couple of days are kissing passionately and breathing heavily that you can even feel each other’s heartbeat, your palms are sweaty, your eyes are dilated and your dick is rock hard, mind you this is the moment you have been waiting on for days or if not months (depending on the girl’s so called “standards) so the tension is a bit intense and 60% of your blood is now in your head and that little voice at the back of your head keeps telling you to make sure that you satisfy the girl 100% or to beat the pussy up in modern day’s terms.
The foreplay goes on for so long that you can feel the veins in your penis starting to expand far and beyond, now is time for the big moment…you grab the condom, put it on during those brief 6 seconds of awkwardness and then you put it in and start stroking with that little voice still telling you to make sure that you satisfy the girl 100%, but after a few seconds you start to feel those tingling sweet bastards moving all over your body and your body temperature going up rapidly, so you try to slow things down and start stroking slow but is too late by now because the first time we’re having sex pressure and the is she feeling me pressure done got to your head and that nut you tried to hold in comes through travelling at 120 km/h and you have no choice but to let it be.
What do you do now? How do you even get off on top of her and lay on the side? How do you even look her in the eyes? How is the pillow talk going to be like?….you can pull out and get off like a champ and act like nothing strange happened or you can come up with an excuse that might save you from being called the 1 minute man…well if you decide to come up with an excuse, here is a list of excuses you might use at your own risk:
• “It must be this medication that I’m on”
• Just talk about something way off
• “Sorry baby, ngine nyongo”
• As soon as you cum, act like you heard something stranger outside and get dressed quickly and act like you’re going to have a look outside and find out what it is
• “I have been watching a lot of porn lately”
• “Yah that was a lot of foreplay hey”
• “I want to spend more time talking and cuddling.”
• “Hey, do you have any idea how long it’s been since I have been
with a woman?!?”
• “You know, if you would just stop moving around this wouldn’t
• “I just had my penis circumcised so I’m still trying
to get the timing properly adjusted.”
• “All I can say is this only happens with attractive women.”
• “This brand of condoms always does this to me”
• “You’re still fresh maan”
• “It must be the alcohol I had earlier on”
• “I was just breaking the ice”
• Try to turn your orgasm into a painful groan. When she asks what’s wrong, tell her you’ve been working your trapezius really hard at the gym and it’s now time for rest, if she wishes you to grow a mighty trapezius. She will concede to your request and be ecstatic that her boyfriend knows correct muscle terminology.
• Jump out of her and start panicking. Scream that you “felt something in there.” This works best without a condom, because she will now feel “something” in there too
• Quickly get off and go down on her, trust me this will make her forget your 1 minute catastrophe